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even.though.it's.painful
always.i. . .
Recent Entries 
17th-Aug-2016 11:34 pm
桔梗→my own heart killed me
stop it

no one has time for your pathetic bullshit whitney

just suck it up

everyone around you has real problems to deal with

just shut the fuck up and manage yourself
15th-Aug-2016 11:29 pm
黒→what do you mean that wasn't chicken?
i finally realized what it was
that made Cheryl hire me

i've worked retail so long that i was able to fool everyone with my customer service persona

fake it till you make it
13th-Aug-2016 08:52 pm
→The Fatal Believer
I'm still so happy about my good fortune to land an actual IT job
but at the same time I'm still so miserable
It's IT and it's definitely a billion times better than retail but it's completely opposite to what I want to do. So everyday I have to pretend still to be this person they hired while in reality I just want to have my name put in for the new developer position that will open up in the next few expansions.

It's just one compromise after the next.

But I am still so grateful for the opportunity to have this job that could set me on a stable career path. I'm just terrified that it's going to end up suddenly ten years later and I'm absolutely still miserable and hating what I do for a living.
19th-Jul-2016 12:20 am - 2016.07.19
Daniella→suffering slowly
i'm such a little pissbaby
a whiny one at that

Devastatingly miss mine and Lome's super self indulgent pride/time/scandalshipping thread(s) but we are busy adults--or rather, she's busy--and it's been over three years since we've written and i'm just sitting here feeling creepy and lonely over it cause it's like pining for her/her writing but that's fucking weird right?? Cause she's my friend and i could easily shoot her a FB message, or hell i even have her number i could fucking text or call, but instead i'm just sitting here whining about it to absolutely no one like we were once an item or something idfk i just feel creepy and gross over it

and i don't wanna bother her tbh cause i feel really annoying about all this on top of really creepy
4th-Jan-2016 12:57 am
Daniella→suffering slowly
i have such an illegitimate sense of time and reality…it’s too much sometimes…and it’s fucking scary.
10th-Nov-2015 05:43 pm
→i used to hate me.  Now i just despise
whitney,

everything that is wrong with you now
everything that you feel crawling up your spine threatening to claw out of your mouth and ears and eyes
everything that wracks your body with metaphysical pain
e v e r y t h i n g

is your own doing.

It's all your fault.


NEVER forget that.
22nd-Oct-2015 08:39 pm - 2015.10.22
→i used to hate me.  Now i just despise
i
just
want
to
be
a
ble
to
breathe
a
gain
16th-Sep-2015 04:40 pm
京→never looking back

Soooo...over a month ago i pissed my grandparents off by standing up to my grandfather's racist commentary on fb and the inappropriate treatment and foul language toward my wife and all attempts of communication have been futile.
Though i did vicariously hear from my grandmother through my sister when i was in the hospital a few weeks back...

I just find it sort of ironic that one of my closing thoughts about the argument was that if any of us died before speaking again, their final words to me would be petty and spiteful and mine would be telling them i loved them. Ironic because at the time of my hospitalization, no one knew what was wrong with me, and there was a possibility of a heart failure as far proto as anyone could tell. I could have died. I  was sure i was dying at the time, because that chest pain had me to a point of being unable to breathe.

Vicariously i heard that grandma says she loves me. Just not enough to answer the phone when she sees it's my name calling i suppose.

It upsets me, yes. But not to the point of being incapable to function normally. It just makes me  dread the upcoming and impending awkwardness of when we inevitably have to see each other if they are so vehemently ignoring me.
Because contrary to popular belief, i detest   confrontation and drama in any shape or form.

It's not the first time, and it certainly won't be the last.

But all of this past month's events have really put so very much into perspective for me. Many of the changes it's ignit(ing)ed people don't and won't like, but that's okay. I've obtained a willingness to do what's best for me when need be, and i think that's a very  important key to living as happily as you can manage.

17th-Aug-2015 03:34 pm
Daniella→suffering slowly

i hate how i try to be selfless to the point of killing myself for the people i love
and never seem to receive the favor

..am i wrong for feeling heartbroken?

4th-Aug-2015 01:58 am
→The Fatal Believer
i get my feelings inadvertently hurt so fucking easily now
idekwtf
31st-Jul-2015 03:29 am
京→never looking back

Since I've long since grown out of being a petulant child, arguing for me basically comes down to this: the words you end an argument on should be looked upon as if they will be your last to whomever you're arguing with.
So...my grandparents' last words to me, if i or they suddenly die, will be: "BYE." and, "fine so don't worry bout us/we done"  While mine to the both of them is "i love you."
smfh
But hey, what's family really for if not to blackmail and threaten to stop talking to you and disown you for disagreeing with them.  Really. Because, yanno, no one else out there is gonna go out their way to make you feel shitty and otherwise completely disposable as a person.

9th-Jul-2015 01:41 am
我愛羅→poetry in motion
not me: *stops me with my arms FULL of merchandise* Hey, plug this [blade-less fan] up. I want to see how it works.
me: Oh, sorry, sir. We don't have any plugs for them. *begins moving along again to stock since he just starts walking away*
not me: *mutters, but not at all quietly once our backs are to each other* Nice sales pitch.
me: *pause* Excuse me? *turns to look back, but he's still walking away* Excuse me???
not me: *stops and looks back at me* I said, 'Nice sales pitch.'
me: (Honestly, i thought he called me a bitch, which is why i got so offended, but the clarification of his passive-aggressive comment didn't blow over so well either--and i admit, i was still fuming over the assumption of him calling me a bitch.) A sales pitch would be me stopping you, trying to convince you to buy it, not you demanding I stop to help you. *goes back to stocking*

So, naturally. i get reprimanded by the boss. Get the entire, "You know not to talk back to people like that yadda yadda yadda." Ch'yeah, mhm. Right.
Must be nice to get to sit behind a closed door for hours on end and not have to deal with anyone or thing face to face unless you absolutely have to.

And that was the just the highlight of the day.
24th-Apr-2015 09:03 pm
Dr. Doom→TOOT!
keep fucking teetering around 140. anytime i get anywhere under it, i go right back to it
fml
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